All Is Well

Posted on January 7, 2014 by Lydia | Leave a comment

I feel a sense of accomplishment. The above piece is the first that I’ve made for my Life Book 2014 e-course. Life Book 2014 is a year-long painting e-course taught by artist Tamara Laporte and other incredible artists that she has gathered together to teach us their individual styles of painting. Until today, I’ve been too preoccupied with cleaning and decluttering to begin the work for this or any of the many e-courses to which I am committed. Today, my body, exhausted from days of over working it, responded by increasing my fibromyalgia pain, so I had no choice but to take a much-needed break to do absolutely nothing.

I felt dreadful that I was neglecting my e-courses when I had an epiphany of sorts. It occurred to me that I wasn’t ignoring them at all. In fact, they were central in my mind. The purpose of the cleaning is to rid myself of the old, unwanted and unloved “stuff” to make room for the beautiful, loving creations that I am about to bring into existence. It hit me, I am exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to do.

Coming to this realization served as a catalyst for me to begin and complete the above piece. “Courage” is one of my words for 2014, so I incorporated the word in an affirmation reminding me that I AM courage. During 2014, this piece will serve as a constant reminder that the courage that I need to deal with any circumstance, is here for the taking. Although I am not remotely close to finishing the task of decluttering, I can continue it without guilt because I am making room for new and exciting gifts in my life and with gratitude for the reminder that all is as it should be.

Blessings and love, Lydia

All Will Be Well. ~ St. Julian of Norwich

It’s “Courage” in 2014

Stones on a Rocky Ocean Beach (Photo credit: epSos.de)

WOW! As I’m sure that many of you will agree, 2013 has flown by. In truth, as I get older, each year appears to compress such that time appears more and more fleeting. As one year closes and a new one begins, I’ve begun to experience that all too inevitable march towards the end.

Casting morbidity aside, lately, I’ve been thinking about 2014. As I am sure most of you are aware, the annual list of resolutions is fast being replaced by the word for the year. As described by this blog, the endless lists of resolutions that are typically tossed aside within a couple of months or so, require us ‘to do’ something. On the other hand, choosing a specific word of the year requires us to aspire ‘to be’ for the year. The choices are limitless. For instance, our word may be creativity, surrender, determination, stillness, or lovingkindness, you get the picture. This year, my word is “courage.” I intend to be courageous, and this post explains how I arrived at that choice.

This morning, I listened to a Brené Brown‘s Ted talk on “The Power of Vulnerability.” Although I have yet to read any of her books (I have one ‘to read’ on my Kindle.), I already know that she is a phenomenon, trained in social work, and a dedicated researcher who studies human connection. Everyone who has either read her books or worked with her, speaks highly of her wisdom. As an initial matter, I need to say that although I will discuss some details of the talk, I cannot do it justice, so I urge you to listen to it for yourself here. My focus is on her discussion of the words ‘courage’ and ‘vulnerability.’ She literally had me at the words ‘courage ‘ and ‘vulnerability.’ Both are words that vex me, directly or indirectly, on a daily basis, even as I write this post.

A brief summary of the talk is that she began her research asking people about connection and what she received were stories about disconnection and ultimately, shame–the fear of disconnection. Her research led her to focus on shame and resulted in a wealth of data in the form of stories, interviews, focus groups and more. As she sifted through the data, she concluded that it could be separated into two categories, those who had a sense of worthiness and a sense of love and belonging, and those who cast themselves as unworthy and lacking a sense of disconnection.

Those with a sense of worthiness and connection shared the following four qualities:

The courage to be imperfect.
The compassion to be kind to themselves first, then to others. (i.e., We can’t share what we don’t have.)
A connection as a result of authenticity, and
They fully embraced vulnerability, in all its forms.

It is important to note here that as Brown’s talk discussed, although vulnerability has its foundation in fear, shame and most other “negative” emotions, it is also the “birthplace” of creativity, love, joy, happiness, courage, and those emotions that we strive for. Vulnerability is not an option that we chose, it is a fact of life.

If truth be told, there is not one among us who does not have a laundry list of vulnerabilities that affect how we feel about and live our lives. In my case, when I created this blog, I did so as another way to document my journey (or more accurately, my non-journey) after my health forced me to stop working as a trial attorney. I needed a healthy outlet for releasing my thoughts and feelings. Yet, as I write posts for this blog, I am often confronting various vulnerabilities, which based on Brown’s talk is the ability to be really and fully seen — in both the good ways and the bad.

Every time that I write a post, my self-talk goes something like this,

Are you sure that you want anyone to know this or that about you?
What if I disclose this and they won’t like me?
What gives me the idea that I think that I can write?
What do I have to say that anyone wants to hear?
Why do I have the audacity to think that my opinions matter?
What will people think of me?

I could go on, but I am sure that you get the idea. All of my fears, shame, insecurities, uncertainties and the rest take over and I end up thinking, “Do I really want to put myself out there risking ridicule or worse?”

As I listened to the talk, I was surprised to learn that the original definition of the word “courage” was “to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart” — to be vulnerable. It hit me that what my self-talk boiled down to was that I lacked the courage to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable meant admitting that I wasn’t perfect, that I don’t have it all together, that sometimes I feel lost, and that sometimes I need, among other things, love, help, support, a shoulder to cry on, to vent, that sometimes, I just don’t know, and need help finding the answers. I realize that I need the courage to be imperfect, thus, the courage to be vulnerable.

This is why I choose to focus on courage. In 2014, I will continue the task of telling the story of who I am, but in a more open and honest way. I seek the courage to tell it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. In all honesty, I feel overwhelmed with fear, doubts about failure, and questions about my sanity, but every day I vow that I will imbue each interaction, each post, each encounter with the courage to be true to myself and others. I will pray for the courage to be vulnerable, whatever the result, and to be compassionate with myself when I inevitably fall, which I surely will. Yet, I will also pray for the courage to get up, and simply, begin again. By practicing “courage” I hope to make “vulnerability” a way of life, a way of acknowledging that I am enough.

Blessings, Lydia

P.S. See, I am really getting into the ‘word of the year’ state of mind. This post is littered with the words ‘to be.’

Being acceptably imperfect (c-suitexx.com)
Vulnerability: The Birthplace of Creativity, Connection, and Authenticity (mysakuranights.wordpress.com)

I am Loving Right Now. . .

Posted on November 9, 2013 by Lydia | Leave a comment

self expression : heart-of-stone (Photo credit: cauchisavona)

Facebook has allowed me to meet so many talented, interesting and amazing people. One of those people is Mary Costanza: A Woman’s Heart and Soul. Her page speaks to every woman and those who love them. It is a community wherein a woman is reminded of her strength, beauty, power and self-worth. Mary reminds women that within them is the key to every secret dream and desire.

Granted, I regularly find that it is as if Mary’s posts speak directly to my heart, but I found a recent one especially compelling. In it, Mary writes about self-expression, which is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. She writes:

self-ex•pres•sion
noun

The expression of one’s feelings, thoughts, or ideas, esp. in writing, art, music, or dance.

She slowly began the process of self expression. She had so much in her heart and soul that she wanted to share with the world. She was tired of being so damn passive, quiet and unknown, and hiding in the shadows. She had a voice and wanted to share who she was with the world. She didn’t want to be loud and obnoxious; she wanted to express herself with class and style, and a little mystery. So she said to herself, let’s go for it, let’s be brave and bold, and let’s step out into the unknown, and with a deep breath, she began to write what she was feeling in her heart and soul, and the creativity was unstoppable, it’s like the sky above opened up and just started pouring down on her. Idea after idea just keep coming, the ideas kept coming so quickly that she couldn’t keep up with them all. She said I am not afraid anymore, she said I’ll dye my hair purple, red, gold whatever color she feels like wearing that day, she’ll wear leather, cover her body in tattoos, buy a Harley, travel the world, have a beer for breakfast or whatever it may be to express what she is feeling inside. She knows that there are those that will judge and criticize her, but she does care anymore, she is old enough, wise enough and brave enough to admit she is a little wild, and wants to be free, and she now knows it’s time to free that wild woman inside, it’s time for her to come out and play, she not hiding her anymore. The beauty of self expression, it can’t be explained; it can only be lived.

Mary Costanza

For the most part, I discovered self-expression through my role as a trial lawyer. I expect that given the public mindset of lawyers as a whole, it seems odd that one equates the practice of law with self-expression. Nevertheless, as a lawyer, I was able to express myself through one of my favorite medium — writing. More surprising, however, was the extent to which trying cases allowed the actor in me to flourish and blossom. Although representing the client was my first priority as an attorney, doing so placed me at center stage with an opportunity to orchestrate a performance wherein the most compelling, persuasive, engaging and believable party was deemed the victor. In most cases, that party was mine and justice was indeed served.

After years of practicing law, fibromyalgia forced me to resign from my active law practice. I landed on disability. For a very long time, my health took center stage and the idea of self-expression was frivolous and thus banished. In illness, I lost myself and with it the need for self-expression. The passage of time silenced that part of me that delighted in or curious about the act of creation or self-expression. I came to deny that such a need existed. I was lulled into an existence where my thoughts and feelings were unimportant and the only thing that mattered was my ill health and all that it had taken from me. I was told repeatedly that this was an opportunity that few had — a clean slate upon which to create the life that I wanted. I wanted no part of it.

However, as time passed, I began to yearn for a creative outlet that allowed me to express myself in new and exciting ways. With that in mind, I created a list of activities that I wanted to learn and incorporate it into my life as a positive and healthy form of self-expression; something to counter and out weigh the self-defeating thoughts and ideas that had become the norm. I sought to banish the idea that I was not and could not be creative.

During the past year, I’m beginning to overcome the word “can’t” and surrender to both drawing and painting. I am allowing myself to explore various forms of self-expression, some new like photography, painting, and drawing, and others like journaling, blogging and even writing. I’ve come to realize that the move of the hips in dance, every line of a pencil in drawing, every mark or stroke of a brush in painting and every word choice in writing or song, conveys a particular thought, idea, or feeling. Through these forms of self-expression, we release fear and anger, as well as love, joy and happiness. Embracing self-expression can be an antidote to negative thinking, pain and sorrow and an affirmation of forgiveness, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual growth and self-acceptance.

As I read Mary’s post, I found myself nodding in agreement with one sentence after another. She expresses, far better than I, my thoughts, the why and nature of self-expression, and its’ pull that once unleashed is self-fulfilling. Her words remind me that self-expression is yet another of the precious gifts given to humans as a product of being human, of being alive, and “that it can’t be explained, it can only be lived.”

Blessings, Lydia