Today is a blah day. It is not for the weather outside because the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and save for the triple digit temperatures, the day is perfect. No, it’s me. There’s an unease afoot. You know, that queasiness in your stomach that sounds an alarm to get your attention? Of course, the queasiness could be just that, a queasy stomach. But I feel some foreboding, something that I just can’t put my finger on. There is some trepidation about tomorrow, (I’ll get to that in a moment.) but I don’t believe that is it. No, I feel that there is something more–something sinister. I pray that I am wrong. But for now, I have to let that rest. There is nothing to do about the unknown, about the future. The present, however, is awaiting my attention, so let me get to now. Let me explain.
Since I am well aware of my tendency to be verbose, I will cut to the chase. Tomorrow, I have a pain pump removed. On December 2007, it was implanted because of intractable pain caused by fibromyalgia. I wish that I could say that the pain is gone and the pump is being removed because it has done its job, but that is not the case. I am having it removed because after about 2 1/2 years, the pump’s liabilities began to outweigh its benefits. It began to bring a whole new world of problems, and they were only getting worse. After changing doctors, and taking months to wean my body off of that medication, it is time to take the final step–to have the pump removed.
I’ve never accepted the pump as a part of me. I resented the fact that I had to have it, and at some level felt that I’d failed by having to get to that point anyway. Even though over the years, I’ve tried everything known to man to deal with this, this fibromyalgia, some voice inside still whispers, if you’d had tried some other therapy, some other this or that, if, if, if. Having the pump removed, allows me to have my body back–pain or no. It is just me. The pain and other symptoms, yes, they are there and we have to deal with them, but I am fine with that. I will be glad to be free of the pump. Of course, I am uneasy about the surgery (Who wouldn’t be?), but I have faith in my doctor. If all goes well, which it will, I’ll be home tomorrow night. Between now and then, my mantra is going to be “let go, let God.” Until next time.