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Happy Father’s Day

happy fathers day 2012 DSCN5516happy fathers day 2012 DSCN5516 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)
For years, the coming of Father’s Day caused nothing but trepidation and ambivalence. Instead of occupying my days picking the perfect tie for a Father’s Day gift, I was filled with jealousy and longing.  You see, on my 5th birthday, my father left us.  His disappearance was so complete that years later when my Mom dared to remarry, she had to go to court to have him declared legally dead so that she might get a divorce.  As a child, a now you see him, now you don’t father was confusing and I spent a great deal of time wondering what I’d done wrong that would make my father leave so completely.  No one told me that it wasn’t my fault or that his decision was not about me, so I filled in my own blanks.

I wanted what everyone else had.  That is, a mother who didn’t have to struggle by working up to 3 jobs to keep food on the table and clothes on our backs, and the undying love of a father who was always there for me, and would pick me up when I fell.  Unfortunately, I never had that.  Although I reconnected with my father in my mid-teen years, the father-daughter connection was broken and could not be repaired. Our meeting was like that between me a strange man with whom I had no connection or bond.  Fortunate for me, through friends, I was in a position to see true dads in action, and even though it punctuated my loss, it allowed me a less jaundiced view of a father. 

As years went by, and Father’s days came and went, I slowly let go of the long held longing and other negative feelings that the day brought up for me.  Today, I can’t tell you where my father is and though that is not the way that I’d like it to be, I’ve come to accept it as is. I don’t have that relationship with him and never will. However, that does not stop me from wishing a sincere Happy Father’s Day to all those other dads that came into my life and served as positive male role models. 

After all these days, I can sincerely look forward to the day so that I can wish all those amazing dads out there a very Happy Father’s Day. Specifically, Happy Father’s Day Bowee.  Thank you for being there for me all those years ago.  I appreciated you then and now, I appreciate you more than ever.  Blessings and love, lydia

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