Happy Father’s Day

happy fathers day 2012 DSCN5516happy fathers day 2012 DSCN5516 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)
For years, the coming of Father’s Day caused nothing but trepidation and ambivalence. Instead of occupying my days picking the perfect tie for a Father’s Day gift, I was filled with jealousy and longing.  You see, on my 5th birthday, my father left us.  His disappearance was so complete that years later when my Mom dared to remarry, she had to go to court to have him declared legally dead so that she might get a divorce.  As a child, a now you see him, now you don’t father was confusing and I spent a great deal of time wondering what I’d done wrong that would make my father leave so completely.  No one told me that it wasn’t my fault or that his decision was not about me, so I filled in my own blanks.

I wanted what everyone else had.  That is, a mother who didn’t have to struggle by working up to 3 jobs to keep food on the table and clothes on our backs, and the undying love of a father who was always there for me, and would pick me up when I fell.  Unfortunately, I never had that.  Although I reconnected with my father in my mid-teen years, the father-daughter connection was broken and could not be repaired. Our meeting was like that between me a strange man with whom I had no connection or bond.  Fortunate for me, through friends, I was in a position to see true dads in action, and even though it punctuated my loss, it allowed me a less jaundiced view of a father. 

As years went by, and Father’s days came and went, I slowly let go of the long held longing and other negative feelings that the day brought up for me.  Today, I can’t tell you where my father is and though that is not the way that I’d like it to be, I’ve come to accept it as is. I don’t have that relationship with him and never will. However, that does not stop me from wishing a sincere Happy Father’s Day to all those other dads that came into my life and served as positive male role models. 

After all these days, I can sincerely look forward to the day so that I can wish all those amazing dads out there a very Happy Father’s Day. Specifically, Happy Father’s Day Bowee.  Thank you for being there for me all those years ago.  I appreciated you then and now, I appreciate you more than ever.  Blessings and love, lydia


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Acceptance

BlessingsBlessings (Photo credit: earthquakefish (david))
When I started this blog, I intended to stay away from my health issues as much as possible–too boring, I thought, and certainly not pertinent to my journey.  Over the last months, I’ve come to realize the folly of that decision.  My health and fibromyalgia impacts everything that I do, including writing this blog.  I’ve tried to run away from it but it always asserts itself in one way or another. Acceptance seems the only answer. So, I am ready to stop fighting and to run with it. Blessings, Lydia
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My Story: The Early Years

Over the years, I’ve held many roles, namely, mother, wife, daughter, sister, g’mom, attorney, friend and countless others. In addition to the typical roles, I have chronic pain due to both fibromyalgia and migraines. Besides, there is no doubt that they, like every other challenge that I have met and conquered in life, have no small part in forming the woman that I am today. This is my story.


My given name is Lydia Marie Wright. I entered this world in New Orleans, Louisiana, 5 days before Xmas to C. and J. I was their first born of three girls. My mother is an amazing woman who single-handedly raised me and my 3 siblings, when my dad made the poor choice to leave our family–on my 5th birthday. Although I didn’t realize it for decades, this incident had a huge influence on my life and the person that I was to become. 


After my father left our family, we had to move in with my great-grandmother. My mother, a very beautiful woman, who married young and never had the opportunity to attend college, had few job prospects. She soon accepted a job as a cook for the New Orleans Catholic Archdiocese, where she remained for over 40 years. Although we were poor, my Mom always worked 2-3 jobs to make sure that we had food on the table and clean clothes.


Although she could have easily qualified, she steadfastly refused to apply for or receive any type of government aid (With the exception of the free lunch program that we had to apply for through the schools and were accepted automatically.). She is a proud woman and remains so to this day. She did the very best that she could with what she had, so she sewed most of our clothes. One perk of the job with the Catholic Archdiocese was a tuition discount at its many Catholic schools (Especially at that time, Catholic churches or schools were about as prevalent as 7-11’s came to be in other cities.). Wanting to ensure us the best education that she could manage, she did without to send us to the catholic schools where I spent twelve years.  


Nurturing creativity was not a priority in my family–getting by was. As a child, I liked to draw, so much so that I responded to a “TV Guide” advertisement for an art school. The ad required that you draw a picture of the photo provided in the ad. I was about 11 years old and I remember putting all that I had into that drawing. I waited and waited with knots in my stomach for a response. A letter arrived and while it told me that I had “some” talent, it went on to say that I was too young for the school, blah, blah, blah. . . . It was on this day that my dream of pursuing and nurturing the creative side of me died. I was also an avid reader of books. I think as an escape from a world that for me, was filled with abandonment, confusion, a lack of overt emotional affection and fear of my environment, I loved books. I could be anywhere and anyone that I wanted to be. (My love of books remains to this day.) 


In addition to reading booking, I also love to write. Although I dreamed of being a successful writer, the dream never went further than my writing my own “book.” As I sit here today, I can’t even remember what the story was about. All that I do recall is that I never intended to pursue it because I was not a “creative” person, Sadly, that is what I’d internalized from the response to my drawing, and I had no one to tell me otherwise. So, my career dreams turned to more practical careers such as a medical technologist, a nurse, or a child psychologist. I say dreams because to say “goal” would necessarily imply that I believed that my dreams were attainable, and I realize that I did not.  


My mother always choose education as our means to escape the poverty in which we lived. As the oldest of what later became 4 children; I was not deaf to her choice. She was a single woman in the late fifties-early sixties, singlehandedly raising three, later four, children, and a ‘college fund’ was definitely not an option. This was in the days before charter and magnet schools and even back then, the New Orleans public school system was not up to her standards or anyone else’s really. So that we might go to the “better” schools (i.e., Catholic schools), my mom took the job as the cook. Since there were two of us, me and my sister, Mom received a tuition discount as well. We were only one of 2 or 3 black families in the entire school. I am quite embarrassed to admit it, now, but back then, I was not as proud as I have become of my Mom and all that she went through to provide us with a Catholic school education. No, as a selfish young girl, all that I was concerned with is that my Mom worked at the cafeteria in the elementary school that I attended. Each and every day, I dreaded lunch time for two reasons: (1) the free lunch card that we qualified for because of our family income, and (2) my Mom would be in the the cafeteria serving food to me, my friends and everyone else and everyone knew it. I was embarrassed by my Mom’s job and I was filled with guilt for being such a terrible daughter.  


Anyway, I was a quiet kid and I mostly excelled in school. I was the model student in elementary school. The most memorable incident from that time was when my class took some sort of test and coincidentally, the boy sitting next to me and I got the same grade on the test. He was white and I black, so the teacher assumed that I’d cheated by copying his answers. I was forced to re-take the test by myself and to her chagrin, I scored higher on the test than the first time. This incident was another of those incidents that over the years has shaped me in ways that I never imagined. I went on to graduate from elementary school and gained acceptance into the same high school that my Mom attended; everything was going according to plan. I figured that she’d given up so much and worked so hard so that we could have an education, it was my duty to reward her efforts. To be continued…
For the past eight weeks, I’ve been submersed in an e-course given by the lovely Susannah Conway.  In Susannah’s words,

“The Unravelling process is a new way to view your world, taking time to appreciate the beauty around you. And we do this in the simplest way: we stop and look. Beginning with your feet, you’re going to go on a photo safari into your own life to reconnect with who you are, where you’ve been and where you want to go next.” http://www.susannahconway.com/e-courses/unravelling/

  The course is an 8 week opportunity to delve within and excavate our inner artifacts, be they yearnings, forgotten memories, dreams, hurts or what have you.  Each week Susannah skillfully guided us, via ideas, questions posed, group discussion, photographs and writing to a topic of unravelling.  An integral part of Susannah’s courses is the community of women from 40 countries that gather together to unravel together. You can’t have a more supportive and loving group of fellow unravellers who gather together simply to support one another and to discuss what we learned.

For me unravelling is the beginning of the long process to get back to my true self.  By unravelling, I ‘ve realized that I’ve been hiding behind an illness and waiting for a return to the status quo–a return that will never come.  The unravelling is never easy, nothing worth doing ever is, but what is left after the unravelling is the key, the answer to the real you.  Unravelling requires me to be brave to accept the truth of the matter, and to commit to unravelling until I’ve stepped into who I am–the real me. My first unravelling lesson is that I have to tell my story and I feel less vulnerable doing that’ so stay tuned.

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