Over two years ago, I started this blog with the express purpose of using it as a “repository for some of my thoughts, ideas, musings and others items of interest.  It is but a small part of my journey-another avenue for me to write my feelings and perhaps share them with others so that they might know the authentic me.”  As I said then, I am seeking my querencia, known as that special place within myself where my inner truths live. An e-course titled “Journal Your Life” is but one of the stops along my journey.

The course is given by the lovely, affable and knowledgeable Susannah Conway.  As Susannah explains in the course description, “Imagine having a place where you don’t have to be anything other than exactly who you are in all your fabulous messy glory. A place that offers solace and inspiration, possibility and retreat. Where you can gather the things you love and let your dreams take flight. A sacred place that’s 100% completely yours.” She goes on to say that one can satisfy all these desires and more in a journal. The intent of the course is to give us a forum for  “excavating our own personal wisdom, getting honest with ourselves on the page and breathing life into the dreams we hold in our hearts.”

In actuality, a journal is not new to me. I’ve kept one for years. Nevertheless, I choose to take this course because I want to enjoy an even deeper relationship with my journal, and I want more consistency in my journaling. I also long for what the course offers, and I believe that with Susannah’s help, I can reach that goal.

Each day, Susannah provides us an assignment, usually in the form of daily prompts or journaling techniques. In doing them, I’ve discovered that, for me, some are far easier than others. This morning’s prompt was to engage in a dialogue with our body. I was immediately taken with the idea and I began in earnest. To my surprise and amazement, the journal entry began writing itself. I provided the pen and paper and the text flowed from my inner being. Although I am self-conscious about doing so, because it deals with issues that  (1) I have yet to admit or discuss in this forum, and  (2) that I feel uncomfortable sharing, I feel compelled to share a portion of the exercise.

…

BODY: Where do I begin? All the things that are mentioned else where in this exercise pertain to me as well, and I see no reason to rehash them. With that said, Lydia, you are killing me. Perhaps not literally, but certainly figuratively. I am tired all the time and have no energy to do most of the things that you long to do. Both the fibromyalgia and the depression are huge problems for me. (Please know that it is not my intent to accuse or bash you, and  I completely understand that you did not choose either condition. I am simply being brutally honest with you.) Yet, I know that you are already trying to get things under control.

The constant stressing and worrying is something that is within your power to change. Do you realize that there is rarely a time when I am calm and relaxed? It seems that I am always in fight or flight mode, and as you know, that is never sustainable. It depletes my precious energy and stresses our organs. There is so much that you do that adds to our potential demise.

I want to be here for you–a healthy body, not a constant source of anguish, but I cannot do it alone. Lydia, you have to take control of your body and treat me with love and compassion. You have to be strong enough to do what is best for me, because naturally it follows that what is best for me, is best for you. I need to trust that you’ll do that for me. I have to tell you that at this point, the trust level between us is very low; actually, it is in the toilet. I don’t want our relationship to be this way. Please do something. Help me.

ME: God help me! I know that all you say is true. I feel so weak. I mean, my resolve is weak. It depends on how I feel, and I know that both the fibromyalgia and depression are significant factors, but not all. The thing is that I have a hard job ahead of me and I am really scared. Sometimes, it seems an insurmountable task with the pain, the stress and worry, and more. I am so scared that I don’t have what it takes to do the job.

I want to be there for you and want you to know that I truly want what is in your best interest. I WANT TO BE HEALTHY, WITH ENDLESS ENERGY TO ENJOY MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS, TO ENJOY MY LIFE. I don’t like the way that things are and desperately want to change. I know that it begins with changing my mindset away from the negative thinking that often creeps in, to positive thoughts. At times, I am successful, but it is difficult maintaining it with both the pain and depression. Sometimes I forget that inside of me resides a woman of strength, faith and determination who is capable of doing anything that she sets her mind to–anything at all.

I promise to do better. I will spend more time creating a calm and relaxed environment and doing activities that promote wellness. I will add more fun and activity to my life and am working on that already. I realize that it is a slow process, but I am trying. I ask that you be patient with me, especially during those times when I inevitably fall. Know that though I may fall, as always, I will get up and move on. In spite of the fear, I want my life to change. Fear has held me back, keeping me at a standstill. I want to move forward, not backward. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see, knowing that my actions are a direct result.

BODY: I feel your conviction and will continue to support you. Thank you and love you.

….

Until now, I have mostly shied away from discussing my thoughts, feelings and concerns about a big part of my life–my health. If this blog is meant to serve as a helpful tool, I must stop neglecting this undeniable and real part of who I am.

Blessings, Lydia