First An Apology; Then an Explanation

Since I’d been all but AWOL for the past couple of months, I feel that I owe you an explanation and a sincere apology.  On June 7th, I had surgery to remove the pain pump that I discussed here in my June 6, 2011 post.  Unfortunately, the recovery was not as easy as I’d been led to believe and it brought fever  and additional pain that made it impossible for me to do anything for weeks.  As if that were not enough, about a month prior to the surgery,  my fibromyalgia pain began to inexplicably increase and morphed into whole body muscle spasms that affected my entire body, from head to toe.  I was doing hours of meditation and relaxing yoga poses, as well as ice, heat, herbal remedies, homeopathic remedies, and prescription medication, but nothing helped.  By the time that I began to heal from the surgery, the muscle spasms began to really take hold and I had no energy to do anything–standing was painful and exhausting,  even driving was impossible.
My daughter took me to my primary care doctor and he ordered blood work.  I went in for the blood work on Saturday and was surprised to hear from my doctor on Monday.  Apparently, my muscle enzymes should be in the 13-200 range.  Mine were over 1300!  My doctor believes that this is the source of the muscle spasms that I’ve been experiencing for at least a month and a half and the overwhelming exhaustion, (much worse than that caused by fibromyalgia) that I have been unable to shake.  He has removed me from three medications that may be the source of the problems.  I retest in a month and pray that all will be well.
I did not intend to be away from my blog for so long, and I have truly missed it.  I have had ample time for reflection, too much in fact.  Among other things, I thought about this blog and its place in my life, since I created it last year.  It began as one of those things that I’ve always wanted to do,  and after being diagnosed with the pulmonary emboli, it became time to stop thinking and to start doing.  As a result, Seeking My Querencia was born.
At first, I viewed this blog “as a repository for some of my thoughts, ideas, musings and others items of interest.  It is but a small part of my journey-another avenue for me to write down my feelings and perhaps share them with others so that they might know the authentic me.” See “More About Me” Page. I am coming to see it as much more than that now. At this time in my life, I am awash in struggles concerning not only my health, but my place in the world, how to move forward in my life, where can I use my abilities to best serve myself and others, and other weighty, and not so weighty issues.  Right now, I believe that this blog is the perfect forum for me to address many of these concerns, if for no other reason than to get them down in black and white, so to speak.  By doing so, I fight against my tendency to keep the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings inside where they fester and grow into matters of far greater import.  In addition, this inner journey that I travel towards that inner place where I know exactly who I am  requires that I be as honest as possible with my thoughts and feelings and it is through this blog that I’ve found that voice.  Granted, it is difficult at times, but then, isn’t that the way it is with anything worth doing?
I hope that you will be patient with me as I ease my way back onto my journey.  Thank you for sharing it with me.  
Blessings and love, lydia  

The Long Lost Memory

Pen & JournalImage by Bob AuBuchon via Flickr
Early this morning, as I opened the Harry Potter book that I was re-reading, I discovered two pressed flowers–one a ranunculus and the other, a petite red rose. From their condition, it is obvious, that I’d placed them there some time ago. After appreciating their beauty, I began wracking my brain to recall the circumstances that led me to place these flowers in this book. When? Why?

I have purchased hundreds of flowers over the past years, and there was some reason that I pressed and saved these particular flowers. Perhaps they were especially beautiful; perhaps they held some special meaning to me. What is it? Where is it?  I can not remember. Is the memory buried so deep in my subconscious mind that I cannot easily extract it, or is it, as I fear, that the memory is gone, a long, lost memory, never to be remembered, that special meaning forever lost? Gone to rest where all lost memories go.

I was lost in thought thinking about my life and all of the things that I have done, and people that I have met, knowing that some of these memories are forever lost to me. It saddens me to know that there will come a time when my future self may forget the import and significance of any number of today’s meaningful moments. This is further punctuated by the fact that I have holding over my head, testing to determine whether my “memory issues” are due to the medications that I take for my chronic pain condition, or something much more sinister. Although the testing still scares me a bit, my faith allows me to feel somewhat positive about the outcome, whatever that may be.

The happenings of my life, big, small and seemingly insignificant, form my memories.  Those memories remind me of the trials, tribulations and circuitous routes that I have taken to become the person that I am now, as well as the person that I will become.  They comprise the sum of who I am and I don’t want to forget them. If I do, I lose bits and pieces of me. 

Over my lifetime, I have journaled intermittently, but consistently for more than ten years. Within a matter of hours, my journal has grown from one of those things that “I should do” to something that “I must do.”  It is now my historical record of the sweet, special and important memories in my life, so that in the  future, I won’t be mourning the loss of a long lost memory. It will have to do.

Blessings and peace,
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