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First An Apology; Then an Explanation
Since I’d been all but AWOL for the past couple of months, I feel that I owe you an explanation and a sincere apology. On June 7th, I had surgery to remove the pain pump that I discussed here in my June 6, 2011 post. Unfortunately, the recovery was not as easy as I’d been led to believe and it brought fever and additional pain that made it impossible for me to do anything for weeks. As if that were not enough, about a month prior to the surgery, my fibromyalgia pain began to inexplicably increase and morphed into whole body muscle spasms that affected my entire body, from head to toe. I was doing hours of meditation and relaxing yoga poses, as well as ice, heat, herbal remedies, homeopathic remedies, and prescription medication, but nothing helped. By the time that I began to heal from the surgery, the muscle spasms began to really take hold and I had no energy to do anything–standing was painful and exhausting, even driving was impossible.
My daughter took me to my primary care doctor and he ordered blood work. I went in for the blood work on Saturday and was surprised to hear from my doctor on Monday. Apparently, my muscle enzymes should be in the 13-200 range. Mine were over 1300! My doctor believes that this is the source of the muscle spasms that I’ve been experiencing for at least a month and a half and the overwhelming exhaustion, (much worse than that caused by fibromyalgia) that I have been unable to shake. He has removed me from three medications that may be the source of the problems. I retest in a month and pray that all will be well.
I did not intend to be away from my blog for so long, and I have truly missed it. I have had ample time for reflection, too much in fact. Among other things, I thought about this blog and its place in my life, since I created it last year. It began as one of those things that I’ve always wanted to do, and after being diagnosed with the pulmonary emboli, it became time to stop thinking and to start doing. As a result, Seeking My Querencia was born.
At first, I viewed this blog “as a repository for some of my thoughts, ideas, musings and others items of interest. It is but a small part of my journey-another avenue for me to write down my feelings and perhaps share them with others so that they might know the authentic me.” See “More About Me” Page. I am coming to see it as much more than that now. At this time in my life, I am awash in struggles concerning not only my health, but my place in the world, how to move forward in my life, where can I use my abilities to best serve myself and others, and other weighty, and not so weighty issues. Right now, I believe that this blog is the perfect forum for me to address many of these concerns, if for no other reason than to get them down in black and white, so to speak. By doing so, I fight against my tendency to keep the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings inside where they fester and grow into matters of far greater import. In addition, this inner journey that I travel towards that inner place where I know exactly who I am requires that I be as honest as possible with my thoughts and feelings and it is through this blog that I’ve found that voice. Granted, it is difficult at times, but then, isn’t that the way it is with anything worth doing?
I hope that you will be patient with me as I ease my way back onto my journey. Thank you for sharing it with me.
Blessings and love, lydia
From the Desk of God
The past two weeks have been unusually rough and I have been for the most part, unable to post to this blog. I am sorry for that, and I’d like to say that it will never happen again, but ‘never say never,’ right? During such times, I reach time and time again for, among other things, the attached memo. It never loses it appeal for me. Each time that I read it, and place my faith in a power greater than my own, I feel a burden being lifted from my shoulder. It occurred to me that it may be of help to one or more of you. Its’ message certainly bears repeating, so I intend to post it here every now and again. I trust that you too might find whatever solace or inspiration that you seek within these words. For those of you whose “God” comes in some other form, I urge you not to, as they say, throw the baby out with the bath water. Simply substitute your higher power in place of God. I believe that either way, you get the message. Enjoy!
One of my go-to web sites is www.wisdomalacarte.net, and I mean I go to it every day either via Facebook, Twitter or web. The articles are wise, well-written, informative and gleaned from the best of the best by Daniel Foisy and his partner. One day, long after it was originally posted, I came across this article.
From The Desk of GOD
Please be aware that there are changes you need to make in your life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill my promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. I know, I already gave you the 10 Commandments. Keep them. But follow these guidelines as well…
1. QUIT WORRYING
Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?
2. PUT IT ON THE LIST
Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can’t help you until you turn it over to me. And, although my to-do-list is long, I am, after all, God. I can take care of anything you put into my hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.
3. TRUST ME
Once you’ve given your burdens to me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on my list. Problem with finances? Put it on my list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For my sake, put it on my list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.
4. LEAVE IT ALONE
Don’t wake up one morning and say, “Well, I’m feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here.” Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It’s simple. You gave me your burdens and I’m taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don’t you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with me and forget about them. Just let me do my job.
5. TALK TO ME
I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I’m in control. But there’s one thing I pray you never forget. Please don’t forget to talk to me – OFTEN! I love you. I want to hear your voice. I want you to include me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with me. I want to be your dearest friend.
6. HAVE FAITH
I see a lot of things from up here that you can’t see from where you are. Have faith in me that I know what I’m doing. Trust me, you wouldn’t want the view from my eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?
You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven’t heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none.
8. BE PATIENT
I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes me a little longer than you expect to handle something on my to-do-list? Trust in my timing, for my timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.
9. BE KIND
Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for my sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please know I love each of your differences.
10. LOVE YOURSELF
As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only – to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes my heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don’t ever forget that!
With all my heart, I love you,
Blessings and love,
When will I learn that I can’t ignore it. It is always at the ready, prepared to take the upper hand, to barge in, and interfere with my life. It has no regard for what I am doing, whether I’m having the best day in a long while, none of that matters. No, it will have its way no matter what, and I can only watch and wait until it takes its hold. This intruder is that symptom of fibromyalgia–fibro fog.
For the past couple of weeks, I have been engulfed in “fibro fog.” Fibro fog can best be described as a variety of cognitive impairments. At least in my case, fibro fog always exists, but lurks in the background. Then there are times, such as these, when it makes its presence known in a big way. During these times, I have difficulty finding the right words to express myself, I lose things, I forget what I am saying in the middle of a conversation, I cannot remember where I put something that I had even five minutes before (I have literally hidden Xmas gifts, forgotten that I even hid them until months later, when I happen upon the gift.) I forget how to spell words that otherwise are a breeze for me, I see one word and read it as another similar word (e.g., “town” becomes “torn”), I easily forget what I am doing, like last week when I flooded the bathroom because I forgot that I started a bath, and I could go on. Suffice it to say that these periods cause frustration, stress and more. Things that I love doing, like this blog, take a back seat to fighting the latest onslaught.
As always, this too shall pass, and the fibro fog will retreat to the background, to its place as a mere annoyance. Until then, I have the perfect opportunity to practice patience, which is a virtue that I do not possess in abundance. I’ve have learned one thing from this though. I keep trying to avoid discussions of fibromyalgia on this blog because I think, “this is a blog about me and my journey and not fibromyalgia.” Well, news flash! Fibromyalgia IS a part of my journey and denying it only delays acceptance of that fact. It is time that I accept it. For now, at least, fibromyalgia, and all its symptoms and the madness it causes are very real and a part of me. Yes, whether I want it or not, it has a place here.
If you want to learn more about fibromyalgia go here.
Blessings, love and peace, lydia