Since I’d been all but AWOL for the past couple of months, I feel that I owe you an explanation and a sincere apology. On June 7th, I had surgery to remove the pain pump that I discussed here in my June 6, 2011 post. Unfortunately, the recovery was not as easy as I’d been led to believe and it brought fever and additional pain that made it impossible for me to do anything for weeks. As if that were not enough, about a month prior to the surgery, my fibromyalgia pain began to inexplicably increase and morphed into whole body muscle spasms that affected my entire body, from head to toe. I was doing hours of meditation and relaxing yoga poses, as well as ice, heat, herbal remedies, homeopathic remedies, and prescription medication, but nothing helped. By the time that I began to heal from the surgery, the muscle spasms began to really take hold and I had no energy to do anything–standing was painful and exhausting, even driving was impossible.
My daughter took me to my primary care doctor and he ordered blood work. I went in for the blood work on Saturday and was surprised to hear from my doctor on Monday. Apparently, my muscle enzymes should be in the 13-200 range. Mine were over 1300! My doctor believes that this is the source of the muscle spasms that I’ve been experiencing for at least a month and a half and the overwhelming exhaustion, (much worse than that caused by fibromyalgia) that I have been unable to shake. He has removed me from three medications that may be the source of the problems. I retest in a month and pray that all will be well.
I did not intend to be away from my blog for so long, and I have truly missed it. I have had ample time for reflection, too much in fact. Among other things, I thought about this blog and its place in my life, since I created it last year. It began as one of those things that I’ve always wanted to do, and after being diagnosed with the pulmonary emboli, it became time to stop thinking and to start doing. As a result, Seeking My Querencia was born.
At first, I viewed this blog “as a repository for some of my thoughts, ideas, musings and others items of interest. It is but a small part of my journey-another avenue for me to write down my feelings and perhaps share them with others so that they might know the authentic me.” See “More About Me” Page. I am coming to see it as much more than that now. At this time in my life, I am awash in struggles concerning not only my health, but my place in the world, how to move forward in my life, where can I use my abilities to best serve myself and others, and other weighty, and not so weighty issues. Right now, I believe that this blog is the perfect forum for me to address many of these concerns, if for no other reason than to get them down in black and white, so to speak. By doing so, I fight against my tendency to keep the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings inside where they fester and grow into matters of far greater import. In addition, this inner journey that I travel towards that inner place where I know exactly who I am requires that I be as honest as possible with my thoughts and feelings and it is through this blog that I’ve found that voice. Granted, it is difficult at times, but then, isn’t that the way it is with anything worth doing?
I hope that you will be patient with me as I ease my way back onto my journey. Thank you for sharing it with me.
Blessings and love, lydia
When will I learn that I can’t ignore it. It is always at the ready, prepared to take the upper hand, to barge in, and interfere with my life. It has no regard for what I am doing, whether I’m having the best day in a long while, none of that matters. No, it will have its way no matter what, and I can only watch and wait until it takes its hold. This intruder is that symptom of fibromyalgia–fibro fog.
For the past couple of weeks, I have been engulfed in “fibro fog.” Fibro fog can best be described as a variety of cognitive impairments. At least in my case, fibro fog always exists, but lurks in the background. Then there are times, such as these, when it makes its presence known in a big way. During these times, I have difficulty finding the right words to express myself, I lose things, I forget what I am saying in the middle of a conversation, I cannot remember where I put something that I had even five minutes before (I have literally hidden Xmas gifts, forgotten that I even hid them until months later, when I happen upon the gift.) I forget how to spell words that otherwise are a breeze for me, I see one word and read it as another similar word (e.g., “town” becomes “torn”), I easily forget what I am doing, like last week when I flooded the bathroom because I forgot that I started a bath, and I could go on. Suffice it to say that these periods cause frustration, stress and more. Things that I love doing, like this blog, take a back seat to fighting the latest onslaught.
As always, this too shall pass, and the fibro fog will retreat to the background, to its place as a mere annoyance. Until then, I have the perfect opportunity to practice patience, which is a virtue that I do not possess in abundance. I’ve have learned one thing from this though. I keep trying to avoid discussions of fibromyalgia on this blog because I think, “this is a blog about me and my journey and not fibromyalgia.” Well, news flash! Fibromyalgia IS a part of my journey and denying it only delays acceptance of that fact. It is time that I accept it. For now, at least, fibromyalgia, and all its symptoms and the madness it causes are very real and a part of me. Yes, whether I want it or not, it has a place here.
If you want to learn more about fibromyalgia go here.
Blessings, love and peace, lydia